After waiting for the whole day, finally get to spend that few hours with him before he went for his family gathering. I wanted to join so much but there's no invitation from his family and his invitation feels so impromptu and so insincere. Maybe I am too sensitive, but the first time should be more formal isn't it? never mind about that, but i enjoyed that few hours. Having that small but yummy mini cheese cake from fiesta, ichiban sushi with him outdoor is sweet enough!

Oops. Have been too lazy to blog. was happy and enjoying work until wednesday. Don't know what happen that my colleague suddenly stopped talking to me. hhmmm. gonna start planning for a class gathering. Picnic sounds fun! just went to view the video that audrey ling post! my gosh! all the arguing. but i was laughing throughout. my first baking attempt wasn't that successful. shall try again when i'm free! any guinea pigs around? volunteer yourself please.

went for the shape sun last sunday! a sea of pink indeed. better goodie bag, running route wasn't too bad, but bad location for the event! so crowded and wrong signals for the race pack collection, no control over the finisher bracelet. but, I have improved! although with more stopping, but i managed to complete the race in a much better timing! hope to do better for the next race - AHM (Army Half Marathon). =)

Oops have been too lazy to blog especially when I have been addicted to the Hong Kong drama - Gems of life. Nice Show. 2 more episodes to the end of the whole drama! Gigi Lai is so pretty!Argghh I hate school holidays. Its so crowded everywhere! Can't even book a room for KTV, can't book a badminton court till after next week. Started work without having enough rest. Feel so tired every morning to work until today. Feel so cheerful today and I don't know why.

Went through the old photo albums with my sis just now. those were the days. My mum used to tell me I love to smile as a child, thats why the adults love to pinch my cheeks. did all the funny poses last time. Probably explains why I have such limited ideas now. =p

Yay! my exams are finally all over. tired. feel so drained when I had 3 major papers in a row. just wanted to do nothing and rest. and I did today. =) went to watch Monsters vs Aliens. very cute! haha had a good laugh at that blue, brainless thingy. haha. can't wait to sat, where i can have a proper date, proper shopping without thinking about studies, looking forward to sunday where I can see the kids! haven't seen them for 3 weeks. both can chat on the phone with us already! time really flies. That silly binbin can really make me laugh out loud. so cute! she de-stress me when i was studying. haha.

Time waits for no one. indeed. have been trying to catch up on my revision but I guess i'm just too panicky. can't seem to stay focus and concentrate. feel guilty if i go swim, jog, or even step out doing something else. Feel guilty not having enough time for him, the girls and my family. but I will make it up to them after my exams. there are so many things that I want to do after my exams. Just hope that I will have enough time to do so.

I think I saw yanlin on the bus on my way home from school yesterday. but wasn't very sure and didn't dare to acknowledge, plus the fact that i have super low self esteem lately. stress symptoms?

He is tired. The second time in which I have seen him so angry. I start to question myself why. But all the negative thoughts just came to my mind. I will have to keep reminding myself that I should and I can control my emotions. On the bright side, I think I did succeed. She finally break the news to him. I start to feel for him. Feel guilty that he has to go through this. A pity that she is giving up someone so honest and well-tempered for someone she might hardly know of? But I do want her to be happy be it now or many years down the road. Just keeping my fingers crossed and hope that she did find the right one for her.

Thinking of something happier, I went to queue up for the free Ben & Jerry ice-cream cone today. Felt so satisfied after eating. Haven had ice-cream in a while (although I have cravings for it a few times already). I guess it isn't true afterall that chocolates can make someone happier. At least it doesn't work for me. But exercising does help. Arghh I wish I have the time to.

I have doubts on how much they know me just like that doubt they have on me.

Anyway, gave him a great surprise on monday. efforts have paid off. was busy the whole day. Preparing him his favourite, and cooked him the mee sua that I once told him that I will cook for him annually for as long as we are together. He appreciated my effort and enjoyed the food. that is what that makes me happy. Finally, all settled and can focus on my studies. no more distractions?

May be not. small things that make people angry, that made him throw things. I have lived with him for the whole of my life but I have never seen him this angry. my first and hope that it will be the last. angry that he shouted at me when I didn't make mistakes. No one knows why he is so angry. But I keep having the feeling it was because of me. I am not over-reacting nor over-sensitive. I have affirmed it already. Somethings ought to be left unsaid. It all depends on one word - Trust. What more can I say when they don't trust me? I will only keep quiet now. rebutting doesn't help and will only make things worse. I have learn it the hard way. I know that they are concerned but sometimes the way they show it will just make me feel like running away.

I just hope that there will be one day (hoping it to be soon) that they will see how nice and caring he is towards me like some of my friends do.

People who cared about me worried about me. Worried that I might have a broken heart to heal in future when I give too much. But what I believe and see now is that this man that I love is nice to me, does the sweetest things for me, always around to shower me with the care and concern, and that is why I can make sacrifices for him, love him. It doesn't matter how much I love him now. Cos if I keep having doubts even up till now, and keep keeping to myself, perhaps I might jeopardize our relationship? I do appreciate their care and concern, but if this is going to happen, I will accept it. I may not be the best person for him, but I will still do what I believe in him.

Call me silly, but love just makes people silly and blinded. Well, I am still a rational person though, know where our limits are. I hope they will see what I believe in one day. =)

Surprise Surprise!

hhmm done 2 last thursday, did 1 today. another 1 tomorrow. heehee. I'm excited thinking about it but something just upsets me, irrelevant though. ok shall focus my energy to give him a memorable birthday. Don't mind sharing my story here.

Surprised Sylvia on thursday with lots of presents! hehe. then drop by kaori's place with a mini celebration. hhmm why is she so smart? She guessed it. Argh must get ade to coach me on acting. -_- so happy and exciting that day. felt better after talking to them. well, we had a drink, small one though, and that made me high. haha i wasn't tipsy, it was just a few sips, and I got too high that i couldn't slp that night. oops. its either him feeling guilty, worried or upset, or maybe he's really awake after a short nap that kept him awake and waited to call me as usual. well, perhaps its not important anymore? resolved it for now. Yay! =)

found loads of excuses to convince him to allow me into his house, and. into his room. while he was away from his room, I quickly sneaked the gift and card underneath his pillow. was hoping to tell him at night after he walked me home. was under some pressure though, with his sister sitting just at the door of the room. haha so worried she might think or wonder what i'm doing sneaking around. haha just for that small little surprise for him, to "cure" all our past unhappiness. indeed, its a good occasion for us to start off again. =)

well, that idiot of mine is really a pig. haha but i love that pig cum idiot. he simply does practically everything in his room, on his bed. from eating to drinking, playing psp, packing his cupboard. -_-" he found that surprise within an hour. Argh cos he was trying to move his pillow to make himself comfortable. But HE WAS SURPRISED! and happy of course. =D and that makes me happy and contented.

Oh I've watched confessions of a shopaholic! NICE! funny, sad and yet sweet. he said i'm like the character in the movie, so blur and such a shopaholic. hhmmm... I doubt so. haha

1 more surprise for him later today! i'm excited and definitely looking forward to it. just keeping my fingers crossed, hoped that everything will go smoothly for him and he will not end his day in camp too late. *.*

I have already apologised. You said you're not angry anymore, but in fact there's more to it. You still mind and still angry despite I have explained I wasn't at the right state of mind when I said that. feeling very lousy now. Why on earth did i ever started on that topic again? I was still happily thinking and planning for your birthday. was doing window grocery shopping for the dishes that I plan to whip up for you.

why don't celebrate birthday? I cannot do it. It marks a day of your birth. I wouldn't have known you, without your birth. that is why I feel that it shouldn't be ignored. I planned so much earlier this time around, dried my brain juice to think and plan a surprise but u don't want it. I said I hated my birthday this year doesn't mean I don't wish for it to be ignored for the rest of the year.

why did we quarrel on my birthday this year? Everything around me just don't seem right after that big hit on me.

Unintentional Pat

Oops.. Accidentally hit Ade's wounded arm when I wanted to talk to her. hai maybe I'm too blur and 粗鲁. She reminded me already but i still forgot after 1 hr of class. It was unintentional. Well, in the end, we got a post-stick note and paste on her arm to remind myself. haha.

Jas was starving after class, so we went to get snacks from the vending machine. but no matter how many times we tried, we just cannot get that Apollo waffle sticks. -_-" so in the end, she tried to get the Cheezels. And luckily she's not as blur as me, she checked the date. It expired in FEB! expired for a month already and its still in the vending machine. We called the person in charge of that Orange Inc vending machine. He said "its impossible" hello, are the 4 of us blind? we're 22 already, and we can read dates! there's no way that we can do anything at the moment and we had to wait till tomorrow. arrgggh. I told him I was starving and needed snacks. he laughed! well, the girls laughed at me too. ck laughed too when i told him. is it really funny? I do mean what I said. there wasn't much snacks being sold in the canteen, and there's few choices in the vending machine. Ok I admit i'm quite picky with food sometimes.

Oh the lecturer today is really cute! totally my type. haha even ade can tell. he is a replica of ck. not in terms of looks. physically alike ok similar minus the head. haha he tells funny jokes in class, use unique examples for explanation in class. except that he beats too big around the bush.

relief

finally issues resolved, saw mr. pig on tv again... made me so happy! just hope things will remain as smooth-sailing for quite some time. tired from attending long day of lectures. my back starts aching again. ahhh... i've started working out again. but very slowly after taking a year long break. nothing beats having a sweet sunday despite being tired. small little things can make me happy. from yummy food, to seeing the kids or him after a long tiring day. binbin is less selfish now. she knows how to share. =) so cute!!! i'll still give in to her when she use that voice and look. haha kids.

didn't know ade is wounded. hit her arm but i really didn't do it on purpose. its painful to have part of ur flesh cut out and worse, to start thinking if u're really healthy and is there really anything wrong with ur body. so poor thing, have to attend long day of lessons despite suffering from the pain at such a busy time. I feel for her.

Binbin has become more 懂事 after going to school. Not only can she speak proper sentences, she knows how to feel guilty, knows when to apologise, knows she can't over-eat. She has lost weight after not seeing her for 3 weeks. Missed her a lot. She was so cute yesterday!! She accidentally pushed ruirui down when they were playing and it hit his head really hard on the floor. her past reaction would be doing nothing and stare at him or carry on doing her thing, but yesterday, my dad, ck and I witness her scared, worried, guilty expression on her. She tried to help ruirui up quickly and rub his head, while doing so, she kept apologising to ruirui. It was so CUTE & SWEET! Well, one thing about her that doesn't change, she still can't resist food! haha... especially her favourite french fries and meat... haha...

They are eating the Siew Mai I made. And they loved it!

went to yishun to wait for him on friday. I thought there is only 1 shuttle bus to yishun, but in fact there was plenty. -_-" was so lost, didn't know where to wait at, so scared that he'll miss me cos it was very crowded at yishhun. quite dumb of me too especially when it was my first time at yishun. I've no choice but to keep calling him but the reception was so poor that I can't reach him on his mobile until he has boarded the bus. but the cheesecake sticks have soften, the cream puff was a bit smashed when he ate it cos he did not carry them properly. but happy cos he said he was surprised!

happy that all was resolved before the end of my birthday. feel more at ease and happy after knowing its all solved. can finally feel happy on the last 2 hours of my birthday. felt quite lousy especially when I couldn't concentrate on my studies for 2 days. argghhh.. angry with myself. when i'm finally better, contracted my dad's gastric flu virus. sick immediately the day after my birthday. hah. that was how i spent my birthday. surprises from the girls, short-lived happiness, in tears every now and then for 3 days, 3 sleepless nights, then drowsiness. haha... had a "busy" week.

Feeling so much better after a night's rest and work. work - studies. looking forward to what my sister might have got me and what trans might be giving me later... haha... *excited*

My lovely day...

以前别人说过的事好像灵验了。我想的是我们的将来。 我们真的会有将来吗？ 是的我又在胡思乱想了。我也累了。说过的事也说了好多遍了。只是不明白为什么我看不到任何改变？他应该是真心的。 但为什么要发脾气？也许我做的不够多，不够好， 但为什么不好好的说给我听呢？

Was really happy today. Actually I still am. Happy that the girls made the effort to give me a small surprise after class. =) Appreciate it. somehow caught me cos I didn't expect it to be today. Seems like my sister planned to celebrate with me too. although can't really go out and fun with the usual group, the 69 group and the isomers like the past few years, but thoughts like this can make me happy. even if it didn't come true. not upset nor disppointed that I can't go out with them this year. understand that everyone has their things to busy with. so am I. perhaps we can accommodate better in time to come? haha... It definitely will. when fiona is back, when kaori and trans timing can allow to meet. haha... I want nothing but a getaway. I want my sleep back, my routine life. I have no time to think, but my mind just wanders off all the time. haha... I will find back my strength to control it. spent the whole 12 hours in school. haven done so for quite some time.

Anyway, I love the thoughtful yellow card that sylvia made me, with the wonderful messages that the girls wrote and drew for me. well, heard that trans made one for me too. looking forward to seeing it tomorrow, with special delivery too. hehe. Oh... this Friday marks the start of my Prelims... -_- I hope I can overcome everything that comes into my way, and just concentrate and stay focus... no time for any other things except to pass and do well. =) that is my goal this year... will upload the photo soon whenever I'm not lazy. haha...

haha... so happy that I finally bought myself something that I wanted long ago. well, with his help of course, on his knowledge and help on the sourcing. very happy!! so happy that for the first monday of this term, I was not over-stressed up nor was I upset! amazing. Am I a shopaholic? haha... one week as passed but I am still struggling and learning to familiarize myself with it.

Finally, bought myself an oven mitten today! haha very soon, I will buy myself the second mitten, then a cake mould, then I'll start learning to bake! haha... small family talk with my mum and sister. happy for her after hearing her plans. I will perhaps have to take charge of all the responsibilities in the house after she has a family on her own. sobz... no one to share with. Who can I talk to after a long and upsetting day when I'm home? such negative thoughts do upset me. the worst of all, how to be able to fall asleep without her beside me? so used to having her beside me, can smell her when she's in the room as I toss myself around. anyway, the smell I'm referring to is each individual's smell. wasn't implying anything so don't mistaken me...

well, on the bright side, I welcome a chemist into my family. someone who is also understanding towards my family's needs, someone who is helpful and never fails to offer help to our family. 爱屋既屋。 Did I get it correctly ? argghh... return all my chinese to my teachers already...

not gonna celebrate my birthday this year. all my friends seem pretty busy this year. its so hard to accomodate our schedules especially when my prelims start next friday.. Don't feel bad if u're reading this k? I'm perfectly fine with it. understand and no hard feelings k? although ck said and promised he will still meet me up that day and do something for me, I wouldn't be too hopeful about it. really dislike to feel the disppointment that I had last year. kept reminding myself that prelims is more important than any other things now. I just want to get my 2nd lower, well, actually my unrealistic target is 2nd upper though.

AArrghhh a little angry yesterday, but my emo pushed it down to the minimum. didn't flare up with the staff there. Wanted to get that DIY cake for him... cos I couldn't find him that figurine he wanted. no stock already. then there was this super long queue, with waiting list at that cake shop - the Icing Room at Jurong Point. arrgghhh... scary and expected. they told me to wait 2 hours. I was doing my revision there wasn't wasting my time and after 3 hours, went to check on my turn. they told me I wasn't in the confirmed waiting list!!! I left without waiting. don't think they are able to cope with that huge crowd, and was a little unsure about the standard of the cake too with that huge and long queue. oh well, they didn't really forget me too. called me 4 hours later to check if I still wanted to DIY the cake. oh my...feel that they have wasted my trvelling time there if I didn't meet up with XZ... luckily trans went to school, and there is still 30min to spare for lunch with me...

Happy Valentine's day!!

I am learning from Sylvia... she certainly knows when and how to give people the comfort that they need. She'll never fail to capture that moment when I'm sad, stress or happy. I didn't know how much it felt to have someone holding your hand when you are crying. I did just that but wondering if I gave the correct comfort that I once had. well, my hands are always icy cold in the air-conditioned place. I wished for that moment that they are warm.

Just digested that expected but shocking news. Expected it but shocked cos it was pretty soon, not within my expected time frame. Still have my reservations, and I was right. Just hoped that she will feel better as every second ticks away. I still feels that women always have that "right", and the respect that we ought to deserve.

Haiz... that same and ever blue monday has finally past! seems like a long day every monday. The level of stress is probably my limit now? How to make him known that his method may not be working? Or else, what is out purpose of attending? well, maybe I'm selfish in way. Perhaps I really don't deserve that, I feels that she does? she did the most on her own but she suffers the same fate as me. she seems to be able to take it well unlike me. maybe I am really too stubborn? But we had a good laugh in the computer lab while waiting to get our timetable done - that is, taking photos with J's macbook. haha... from roller coaster to enlightenment to underwater? haha.... oohh that wallpaper of hers look so sweet... even I felt that happiness that they shared after hearing their small little things that happen.

oh dear... so many things due on this monday... 2 tests, 15 consolidation questions, 33qns holiday package. How I wish I have another brain, and one more pair of hands. hhmmm... maybe 2 more brains? haha....

Sudden craving for dim sum again... oh my gosh... and twister fries? hehe... all the unhealthy food = time for exercise!!! Please... I wish I have 48 hours in a day. then I can have 10 hours of sleep everyday, 1 hour of exercise, and more time to study and do my homework!!!

I need to clear my mind perhaps? if not 10 hours of sleeping time isn't enough. Bad nightmares please go away for good.

I am so bad at this. don't know how to console people. so afraid that I would say the wrong things at the wrong time. haiz... I do feel the sadness, disappointment and the pain that people close go through. maybe i didn't go through them myself but, I know. when I needed to talk to people, when they say somthing, I would feel that they don't understand because they're not in my shoes, but now, I admit that I'm wrong. I'm being stubborn by not letting things go. I believe that things happen for a reason. I just hope that no matter what comes in my life, I can always handle them with a smile (ok I'm still trying to smile). I know I can have the support whenever I need. I want to show the people that care for me that I can do it right.

Picnic...

Oh gosh... was so full yesterday after the picnic with the isomers... haven had such a big tummy since christmas... haha... did a little catching up until we got a little surprise from her... worried + upset... don't know how to help her pull through this... I understand that people do want to be alone sometimes so I wouldn't barge into her own little space if she wants to be alone... anyway, managed to spoke to binbin last night over the phone. She can recognise & differentiate my sister's voice to mine... finally! haha... she can speak quite a lot of complete sentences already...

AArrgghh as usual, get very tired and stress every monday after attending his classes. have to start on the 31 qns tutorial already... AAHHH... barely started on his 66 qns holiday package only... oh dear... *stress*

Aahhhh trans uploaded my photos... our school times was memorable, but I LOOK SO SO FAT! don't dare to view them in details and try to recall, just quickly click on next & log out... oh my gosh.... haha... 谁没有过去？ -_-"

Finally... I was so so so panicky and worried when my computer broke down last friday... I was 1,500 words away to my completion of 5,000 words assignment... I broke down with my com as well... lucky, she so happen to contact me, and I told her my problem. she offered me her laptop without any hesitation... so touched... she is my saviour... and thanks to her, with just 2 nights of not enough rest, I managed to complete! haha... a great sense of accomplishment. but was kinda sad that I missed the dim sum buffet... =( was supposed to complete my assignment on friday itself, so that I can enjoy my buffet without worries. my appetite is improving, even much better than before.. hehe... there goes a hole in his pocket... oops..

went for the "Etiquette Dining" workshop!! so so so interesting!! my gosh... I enjoyed myself thoroughly on saturday... Speaker cum instructor - Sally, has a really good marketing skills... Well, I still feel a little uncomfortable in a posh restaurant... haha... ok I shall practise... I wannna go for my dim sum buffet!!!

return her laptop together with a small token of mine, her favourite salad... haha... glad to see her smiling so happily... haven't seen her smiling so widely + eyes beaming with happiness for a long long time... food does makes people happy... =) Well, at least it works in our theory? looking forward to the upcoming isomers picnic.... Awwww... miss having that... our timing always clashes... finally for once after 2-3years? haha....

I dread going home these days. Don't like to stay home facing, enduring ... Am I really useless at home? not of any help? or is it that I am too busy, ok lazy that is making him upset? I don't know... I can only keep quiet, walk away, keep telling myself its okay... don't think too much, but in fact I am thinking too much again. can't seem to let things go so easily although I wanted to. Kept myself busy, doing assignments, tutorials, research, with breaks in between before I ran away. Going out can make me think less. Was really happy after buying quite a lot of things. very tired from shopping for MY THINGS! yes i'm selfish, self-centered, temperamental and perhaps weird. I am so not my usual self now, and I hate it... I don't want things to be or turn out that way, but it just happen. *puzzled*