tired...

had a wonderful dinner with the girls on friday. As usual, we gossip & talked about out recent happenings too. everyone has their own issues to handle. I just wished that all of us would have the courage to move on, looking forward to the carefree days again! looking forward to our trip next year. hope it can come true. went to k box to sing on saturday. 3 hours only. didn't quite curb my addiction. haha... ck played with BinBin & RuiRui after dinner on sunday. as usual, we were all slower than him, still slowly enjoying our dinner. after I was done with my dinner, he realised there was a stain on his pants, he thought was soy sauce, but when i first looked, I knew it was the kids' poopoo. haha... eeee..... we went to check on the kids while i gave him some wet tissue to clean himself. yup its BinBin. her poopoo overflowed... -_-"

Aarrgghh just realised I have been very blur! he is also my dad, not just my sister's. but she handle things so well, at least 10 times better than me. Perhaps I have been taking things for granted. That she will handle everything. was rushing here and there yesterday due to the last min change in appointment time. drove him to work then drove home on my own. haha and i got lost. missed the exit at expressway. phew~ luckily i still managed to find my way home.

Acceptance

To all those who are reading this blog, sorry to have let you know through this blog. I know many have showed me concern over the past week. not sure if you did so after reading my blog or so happen that we haven't been in touch and you wanted to do so that day. great minds think alike? or perhaps my telepathy is really working? haha... ok i shall not crap further. Don't have to specially do anything for me upon knowing this news k? Please don't k. lately, my dad is diagnosed with nosal cancer. yup we have all accepted it & life still moves on. hhmm.. I guess I was the weakest in my family. took so long to finally digest this news.

my dad just was referred to the National Cancer Centre, went to see the radiotherapist today. I wanted to go with him, give him some moral support, but my sister objected, she said I should crash classes. went to class today, but can't really concentrate either. kept thinking how is he doing? what did the therapist said? ok probably its the second-hand news already. my mum was probably the first. there's 7 stages for cancer, so my dad is probably at stage 3. so treatment methods will be combination of radiotherapy & chemotherapy.

trying to uphold my positive energy for as long as I can. I can do it last time when he's hospitalised, so can I now.

The past weekend was rather emotional for me. I don't really know what happened to me, don't know why I reacted the way that I don't usually do. I don't feel as motivated and do not get the support that I really need from him. I hesitated when I was about to call or sms anyone. Yup I was the one who told my friends not to shut me out when she needed help or support, but I couldn't do it myself. I clearly know that my friends will be there for me whenever I needed them, but I was just expecting it from him. Yes, I expect a lot more from him. But I didn't expect him to feel that way towards me. I am unreasonable. Yes, there he goes, stabbing me again right into my heart. I was tearing inside, but still I have to keep it cool, or he will start again, get upset & feels that I am thinking too much again.

Thinking back now, I agree with him, I used to be more understanding but not any more when my family is facing such an issue now. Yup, maybe trans is right, somehow men will just take things differently from us. I felt better when she told me this: "If he really can't give you the motivation you want, don't be disppointed. I'm sure he loves you a lot & wanna help, but maybe he didn't know how to." I felt comforted hearing it & especially when she said she likes to see me being so excited & happy talking about him all the while. I realised how selfish I have been. How could I even expect him to do it right in my way when he didn't experience this before and I didn't tell him how to? How I could I lose confidence in him when even trans believe in him. So guilty now. didn't have much time to even talk to him cos he has been rushing here & there for all the exercises since last week. I just hope he will really understand me, what I am going through & not dislike me even for a bit.

I don't like it when people around me see through me so quickly. I was told not to change any of that cos its nothing bad about it. I felt better after saying it out. those who are really close really sensed something amiss. forgive me for trying to push you away. I thought I was better. have been looking forward to the weekend. push away everything just for him. didn't tell him. just want to see him. haven't really got to talk to him much the whole week. simple smses that show my concern for him the whole week. holding back everything, tearing when I sms him I 'm fine, everything that was not fine was left unsaid. I know he had a long & tiring week, that is why I try to be independent, handle everything on my own, do not want him to worry a single bit about me. Yes, I know I am being selfish. If I'm in his shoes, I wouldn't want my girlfriend to do anything hide.

I thought I was better. I finally told some of my dearies about it. They asked at the point of time where I really cannot take it. I really apprecaite them. I told her the other day when she was better, so much better. first time out of the past 2 weeks, I saw her finish one complete meal. I was relieved, and I told her my situation. That day was also my first time that I didn't cry when I talked about it. 也许她是我练习的对象。 I have been thinking when is the best time to tell him about. I really want to see him so badly. so in need of his support, the motivation that he gives me. I know and I am glad that my dearies gave me, but now, I just need his.

I know it is not his fault for making me feel this way. Things just happen at the wrong time. so happen that he is so busy this week. or maybe its fated that I have to learn to deal with all these on my own, learn to be independent again. 早知道我就一大早出去， 就不会一个人在家胡思乱想了。

I will stay strong as long as I live...

how long does a person need to accept a fact? How much time will i need to do so? I didn't know how to react this morning. I just feel that i needed some time to be alone, not to think (at least I will try not to), just keep myself as busy as I can. But its so difficult. But I will try. this is not a time that I can fall apart. I cannot, and I will not. That is what I will remind myself of for as long as I live. I may not be able to do so all the time, but I will not stop trying. I hope I can just hold back till he returns. I just need to vent it out. I know I will be just fine.

Please don't ask me anything about this post? thank you.

Cute "little" BinBin

Please note: below are photos that are blurred in nature, not that ur spectacles or eyes that need to be checked at the optician. Forgive me, I took them before breakfast.

BinBin Posing with her little cute dress that she can't fit into soon...

went to Hougang Mall with ck yesterday, our usual practice, & saw free balloons given to children outside the mall (there is a UOB fair thingy). I was thinking of bringing the kids down to get balloons since they love them so much. quickly went home to bring the kids there, but RuiRui needs to have dinner first so he couldn't go & he was throwing tantrums. He took his shoes, sat down & wait for me to help him put on his shoes.

Me: RuiRui, mummy 说你不能去。 要吃饭。

RuiRui: (stamps his feet & whine)

BinBin: RuiRui 乖， 你不要去。 留在家k.

My sis (kids' mum) to Ruirui: ask jiejie to get a balloon for u k.

BinBin: RuiRui 乖， 你不要去。 留在家k.

So cute!! ck & I were laughing so hard at the sides. binbin wanted to go off so quickly. haha.

BinBin posing with 2 balloons

I was thinking, she is such a selfish girl who doesn't shares her toys with her brother, RuiRui, she will definitely not give that balloon to him when she reached home. I was so wrong! was so touched when i saw her giving the balloon immediately to RuiRui right after I opened the door. SO CUTE!

溏心风暴 (Heart of Greed)

Finally... Finish watching the 2 hong kong drama serial... very nice!! Heart of Greed a.k.a 溏心风暴 season one & two. both seasons are of different story but both made me got addicted. haha... they have very nice songs to go with the stories. really touches my heart. Almost all of the casts can sing so well (Im referring to the actresses)... 我越来越喜欢林峰了!!

《溏心風暴》- My Love Will Get You Home

《溏心風暴之家好月圓》- Ice-Cream

林峰 - 愛不疚(TVB《溏心風暴之家好月圓》插曲) MV

have been rather busy & stressed up these days. rushing project, though it is not so tedious or too difficult to do it in pairs. but i couldn't finish my MA work. haven been reading my notes & the articles, haven been able to sleep well at night & during my naps. ok i didn't have time for nap this whole week. there is a lot of things in my mind. and if u ask me what are they now, its all the school work piling up. suddenly felt breathless. wasn't prepared to go for class today because I feel guilty. I kept telling myself to finish the tutorial at least half by today but i couldn't. so many things that I am supposed to do but i didn't or should i say i did the opposite? just came back from school, supposed to have a short nap but i feel guilty. hai... i don't know how to say it. perhaps i shouldn't? seems like i will always make lots of mistake by talking too much. maybe i should just shut my mouth & start working. haven been sleeping well this whole week. average sleeping time is 5 - 6 hours a day. its not that i don't have time to sleep. but i couldn't. frustrating right? there's too many things in my mind that disrupts my sleep. i can't seem to clear them out.

Haw Par Villa

had my last tuition in the morning... it all depends on herself now to her exams... finally... i got to go 虎豹别墅 yesterday on children's day & Hari Raya Puasa... had lots of fun.. took a lot of photos... i dropped my spare battery for my camera... panicked a while but still managed to find it at the entrance. haha got so happy that i ran back to him, telling him i found my battery.. i know i seem pretty childish right? haha... i was like the happy, excited child there yesterday... so amazed by everything there... i will definitely go there again.. after the MRT works.. some exhibits are closed due to MRT renovation works.. sobz...

on the way to Haw Par Villa....

白蛇传

状元

I forced him to take a photo with it.. don't they look alike? haha...

花果山

封神榜


I totally agree... Kharma...

Hell Gates